Confused.

The narrator explains his deep confusion as to why he does not feel the same way around women, as other boys seem to. He expresses, “Where women were concerned, I was devoid of that shyness which other boys possess innately” (106).  He really struggled to find a reason for why he was not uncomfortable around women.  Other boys got very nervous around women, and although he was attracted to them, he was not affected with physical, sexual desire.  I think this has a lot to do with the way in which he saw himself to be much more mature than other boys his age. He gave himself to introspection so deeply that he believed that he was at a different level than others.  He took pride in the fact that he was different, yet he was covering up his “true self”.   He really thinks others do not have a need to understand themselves.  I am kind of going in circles here, but he is going to the other side and saying that he is not able to express his true self like the others are able to do.  “They could be their natural selves, whereas I was to play a part, a fact that would require considerable understanding and study” (104).  I got so frustrated with these parts of the book and him wrestling back and forth on all of this, but I think I was frustrated because I wrestle with so much of myself when I truly take the time to look inside and observe. 

Addressing and Convincing the Reader.

I was wondering what the reasons were that the narrator turns his attention to directly talk to the reader on page 142-143.  When he is referring to his love for Sonoko he is greatly convinced that the reader will not understand his love for her. Because of his history with loving women, he feels like this situation will be disregarded.  He seems to be really insistent in not having anyone believe that he cannot love Sonoko.  I think that this is obviously a very important relationship to him at this point, and that is why he directly addressed the reader.  If, for any reason, the reader does not believe his love in this case he desires for them to give up.  He gives the reader an out.  If you are having doubts at this point in the book you might as well give up now at this point.  He is recognizing a very distinct difference between emotions.  I am still not sure why he is so adamant in getting the reader to believe him.  Is he trying to convince himself that he truly loves her? Is this really different from before? The difference now was his feeling of remorse.  Thoughts?    

Night-Soil Man.

I want to think a bit about the first time that the narrator really discovers the extent of some of his desires.  When he is climbing the hill with his mother and they cross paths with the night-soil man, he is immediately infatuated with this image.  He describes the event on pages 7-9, and he articulated, “not without reason: this very image is the earliest of those that have kept tormenting and frightening me all my life” (8).   He knew right away that this was a significant moment and that what he was seeing, (and how it affected him) would impact him for the rest of his life.  Although it brought a positive desire, he expresses that it almost haunts him for the rest of his life. He discusses how he gained a love for what this man represented even though he didn’t really know why.  “He represented my first revelation of a certain power” (8).  There was an attraction to this man, but more so he found a longing to portray what he saw.  He longed for something that he saw that day, but it took him a while to determine what he was responding to. He does, however, express that “the image of what I saw then has taken on meaning anew each of the countless time it has been reviewed, intensified, focused upon” (7-8).  Not only is he communicating that he recounts the experience often, but he is also communicating that as he dwells on it, he begins to understand better what his desires are.  As other blogs have expressed, the narration is very key.  He writes this with the understanding of what he is feeling years later as an adult.  This interaction with the “night-soil man” was very significant for the narrator.  He was lured into something that he seemed not to have any control over.  

Enslaved By Life.

The narrator gives us a very clear insight into his feeling of all that he is covering up and holding inside.  He has secrets that are surrounding him and feels like he can never truly be himself  (hence the masking).  But throughout the section we read for Tuesday, I found a repetition in his narration of statements such as, “life had enslaved him” (87)  “took me captive” (9) and “lusts hidden under his wing” (72).  There is a definite feeling of being lost in his own life, and he does not feel like he really knows what direction to go in.  It is one thing to feel like we are living a hidden life with the frustration of no one knowing our true self, but I feel like there is another level that our author reveals through the narrator.  The feeling of life enslaving him puts the blame somewhere else.  I don’t really know where, but in all of his confusion he seems to have a pretty clear view of the situation he has been placed into.  He takes responsibility to some extent, but in many ways he seems to be blaming the world around him.  Maybe it’s just me, but it really sounds like he views himself as a victim in all of this.  

Wanting what we cant have!

I was intrigued by our conversation in class on Tuesday regarding Mr. Hero’s conversation with Archie about his wife, Clara.  As he stumbled over his words and justified his motives, her beauty secretly arouses Mr. Hero.  He is quick to cover his bases with disclaimers and stands up for others opinions of the situation, but it becomes pretty obvious that he is disguising a true desire for something “off the table”.  I think that very often we desire so much what we cannot have, simply because we cannot have it.  The truth is, she is beautiful. To a point he acknowledges that. I think this passage brings out a point that is so commonly relatable in all of our lives in some way or another.  We want what is different, unusual, and unknown to us. Something slightly against the rules (not totally off the table) intrigues us.  Some of us rebel and deny any sense of these desires, and others long for it.  We do not want anyone to know that we want it, and we do not really want anyone to tell us we can have it.  The fact is, what is off limits is often what excites us!  Mr. Hero said, “The men don’t like it ‘cos they don’t like to think they’re wanting a bit of the other when they’re sitting down to a company dinner with their lady wives, especially when she’s…you know…they don’t know what to make of that at all” (p. 61).  These sorts of situations make us uncomfortable.  We do not want any one to know that we are being tempted in any way, while at the same time we are spurred on by our desire.  My point is not that it is always specifically a sexual desire, but simply a desire to have what is unknown.